keep those full-body scans to yourselves

I see you’ve secured yourself a new credit card—frequent flier miles—and now you can finally go to that wonderful Cancun resort you saw on that show.

Aye, the best kept secret until that godforsaken Joe Francis spilled the beans (wrong parlance?) on the place. Gosh darn! It’ll be grand! I just love sunshine and I cannot take another winter in this dreary smog-ridden place!


let's elope in Singapore, but we'll have to veer away from our paths of excess.

Those aren’t substantial goals my fine-feathered dreamer. Your desires must drive you crazy. I can't imagine being driven in one direction or the other when trying to decide on which giant new plasma-HD-BD-ROM to buy. Don’t throw away all your money just because some stooge on the tube tells you the economy is back on its feet. It’s not, big spender.

Oh shush! you cynical libertarian! I want to have my cake and eat it! Enjoy this godforsaken mortal coil while you still have breath! Besides, I have enough savings to keep me afloat if things get really bad. You don’t even have a real bank account, just some two-bit Slovenian savings & loan contract in Lancaster.

Surrender your dreams. You’ve been born too late. 1920s housing boom’s an aging grandmother. Opine, lament, sappy nostalgia in a Seagrams fifth. You must hate the radical idea of a banana daiquiri. The American dream is s sham, dear comrade! Do you think I’m telling you this to make myself look good? I’ve shed all my unnecessary ego. This is not for myself! I’m trying to help you!

Then help me pick out a new pair of swim trunks for my trip! Wait, why am I asking you for fashion tips? Look at those rag-tag slacks you’ve got on.

(….blank stare, followed by a wry smile, exasperated shake of the head, leans forward…)
You need some serious peyote, followed by the most extreme groove of power chords, infinite reverb and chest-caving bass.

……are you sure insanity doesn’t run in your family?

I make few guarantees, and now isn’t any different.